the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
