Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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