I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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