i was born a porn star she said
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
