you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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