so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
