worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
