I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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