Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
