i don't like sucking hair
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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