he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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