Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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