someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
