Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
