Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
