woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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