Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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