see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
I smell stomach acid.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
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Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
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If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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