I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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