Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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