I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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