Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
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lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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