mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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