I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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