My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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