took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
