today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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