Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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