youre lurking in front of me
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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