this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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