It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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