when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You were trust falling into bushes
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
