I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
