i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.