I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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