Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
