There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
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