I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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