I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
