you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
