I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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