Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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