gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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