we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
