I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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