there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
