I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
