I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
