boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
