No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
