Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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