Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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