I'm jealous of your bromance
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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