There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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