I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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