Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
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