This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
